Find me here

Sometimes you don't know whether a decision is right or wrong... You just push the send button and realize that you didn't really care in the first place. You just do what the little cuckoo bird up inside your head tells you to do so you can sleep sound at night.

I'm undergoing so many changes all at once that I feel like a bipolar nutcase. Where one door closes many are opening. I'm sitting at a barstool at my new place of employment wanting to cry but smiling inside because I, out of many, have been given a great opportunity.

May 15, 2005 I started at Montana Mike's, November 29, 2009 I will make my official departure. So many lessons learned, so many memories made. I literally put my blood, sweat, and tears into that job. I've had people that have loved me, people that have hated me, but most of all people that have respected me because I've been there through thick and thin.

I'm writing new history. I'm going to turn a page, starting a new chapter in my life...

I'm back biiiitches!!!!

My name is Carlie Rouse, I am just your average 21 year old. I live in Dodge City, Kansas. I am a full-time student and work practically full-time at Montana Mike's Steakhouse as a Certified Trainer/ Food Server. I make $3.13 an hour and tips. I was raised to be a conscientious individual, to pay my bills on time, and be financially responsible. It is rare that I have a late fee or am unable to make a payment on time.

I started having problems with Bank of America back in October of 2008 when they had taken out a $70 "Adjustment Fee" which they claimed to have made because of a deposit that had been made inaccurately. I chose to disregard this, working in the service industry, I understand that everyone makes mistakes at some point. However, disgruntled, I chose to keep my account with Bank of America. That is where I made a big mistake.

On June 8, 2009 I made an ATM deposit of $463.00 at the Bank of America located on 2307 N. Central in Dodge City, KS. When I had made this deposit the ATM had a malfunction and did not process all of my funds. The next day my statement read that I had only made a deposit of $397.07, also the bank had given me an "Adjustment Fee" of $300.00. Within the following week, I had acquired $280 worth of overdraft fees because of the deposit for which was not accounted. On June 15, 2009 I spoke with a teller at the bank in which I had made the deposit and I was told to call the bank's 1800 number to file an ATM dispute. When I called the number I was directed to the claims department and made a claim for the lost money. When I inquired why I was given a $300 adjustment fee the representative could not provide me with an answer. I was given temporary credit for the funds which was posted on my account on June 16, 2006. On this day, July 8, 2009 I received a letter in the mail from Bank of America stating that "we were successful in locating the original transaction you referenced; unfortunately, we did not locate any cash for this transaction." Bank of America is now billing me for their negligence regarding the money that I had deposited on June 8th.

Today I opened an account with a different bank and filed disputes against Bank of America to the Better Business Bureau and also the FDIC. Bank of America is corrupt corporation which takes money out of your account using their obscene $35.00 overdraft fee and makes "Adjustment Fees," for which they cannot give a clear explanation. If you are a customer of the Bank of America use my situation as an example of the bank's malpractices. Choose a bank that is reputable and one with which you can trust, not one that steals your hard-earned money to fuel corporate greed.

Beauty is a curse on the world.

Beauty is pain,
pain is love...

I don't know if it's the alcohol, these techno jams, or a mixture of both, but I'm falling hard...
It gets harder to walk away, to say goodbye, each and every time. Just a week ago I thought this moment would never come.

There is finally someone who sees me for who I am, not just another piece of flesh. Someone who wants to know me for who I am, not asking for me to change or cover up who I am inside.

He's all I ever wanted and I knew this from the moment I saw him. However, I was just so sick of being used I couldn't see myself going through that again. So, I hid what I felt, gave him the cold shoulder to protect myself from being the victim of another selfless lay.

Friends' drunken words have their consequences unveiling the truth and the next thing I know we are stumbling to my vehicle arm in arm.

For many of the nights that followed I wondered what was to come of all this. Was it just a mix of absinthe and a smoky atmosphere? No, this is real. This is someone who cares about me enough to take time to get to know who I am, how I feel, and what I'm about.

There is finally a glimmer of hope in my life. I no longer find myself sitting in front of the computer alone downing bottles of grey goose. I want to be sober to witness this part of my life. I want to feel alive again, to have reason to get out of my bed each morning. It has certainly been awhile since I have felt that...

Now don't get me wrong. A blanket for protection still covers my heart. I am ready for what surprises could be thrown at me. I am not ready to be emotionally beaten down like I was all those times before. I just need to believe, if only for this one last time...

"Protege-moi, protege-moi"

Sometimes good things do happen afterall...
Right now I feel like I'm on cloud nine, or even higher, cloud 9,000,000...

All I can say: He likes me!!

I feel like I just want to cry. I've been waiting for this night to happen forever, and I guess as they say, good things happen when you wait.

I about fell out of my seat when he said the words: "I really like you, you're the only reason I came tonight."

I'm so full of emotion I'm practically speechless...

But anyway, tonight was a good night. Started drinking at around 6:30 and didn't stop until 1am. Took 3 shots of absinthe at the bar. And right now that is killing me because I have some deadly heartburn. My word of advice: If you haven't had absinthe, you gotta try it! You'll end up so plastered your buddy will have to come scrape you off the floor :-)

Other than that, bitches will be bitches. I'm about up to *here* with it really. You don't call me a "lazy bitch" and try to remain civil with you. I'd like to know where me and the word "lazy" came in to play. I'd say the lazy bitch is the one who stops taking tables at 8 and criticizes the ones who refuse to do her work. Fuck that.

I really don't like to get involved. I typically just wait for the storm to pass. But I'm starting to wonder if I have to be the aggressor in the situation, shut the bitch's mouth permanently so that we can all do our jobs in peace...

I'm not scared of losing my job. Montana Mike's is not my life...
I'm sorry if it is yours.

Bad news: Mr hottie pants has a girlfriend.
Good news: He's not gay after all.

Since I'm in no condition to play home-wrecker I have only one option but to lay the situation to rest. The part that bothers me most is that she's not even all that gorgeous. She's got a little pudge, and that "I'm goth, so I'm pissed off at the world" look on her face.

But whatever, hot men cheat, and when I don't have a hot man, I cheat. So there's no winning this game I keep playing.

My ears are swollen, my face is broken out, and I just really don't want to face this day. I'd rather just sit here, listen to She Wants Revenge and feel like death.

There is really no drink strong enough to cure the pain of which I endure. It may put a smile on my face for a couple of hours but then I wake up only to face the tears

It's true to be cursed when you can't say anything wrong...
...especially when you've known to say nothing right your whole life

Lately I've been getting a lot of questions and raised eyebrows. "Carlie, why did you leave him??" There's always that moment when you have to explain yourself and question whether you made the right decision. So you guys want the truth. I will tell you the truth...

(Keep in mind, while I am good at blackmailing people via the internet. This is far from blackmail... This is the God's honest truth. This is EXACTLY how things happened during our relationship)

I met Ian on "okcupid.com" a singles dating site. We exchanged IM usernames and talked over a couple of days. I was physically attracted to him, we shared common goals and interests For quite some time, about a month, he disappeared from iChat. We regained communication awhile later and I decided I wanted to meet the boy.

Early in January we exchanged phone numbers and started to talk. Our late night talks were quite mentally intimate. Just two days after our initial phone conversation he told me he loved me and wanted me to be his girlfriend. I was quite aghast that he was already using the word "love" to express his emotion towards me, but I sadly fell for it. He told me of how he wanted to live together, and would support me financially while I go to school. Basically everything a girl wanted to hear, he told me. Then the topic of sex came up and I agreed that we would have our first encounter when we would finally meet, just days away...

We met as expected. He had bought me a faux diamond ring, and I had given him my old iPhone, which was repairable and still useable. Within 15 minutes of our initial meeting we had had sex. There was no dinner, no official "date" and when he did offer to buy me a fast food lunch, his debit card was unexpectedly declined.

Things were still good at this point. Our late night talks were growing shorter, and we hardly ever video chatted, but he was in my life and that is what I wanted. He came for my birthday party. My friends seemed to like him, everything was alright. It was that weekend that I decided to go to Wichita for my birthday weekend getaway, of course I invited him along. We had a fairly good time. However, I've really never encountered someone so ungrateful.

I took him knowing that he didn't have a job and the trip would be all my expense. An expense it definitely was. And there was few "thank you" in the process. We stayed in a $200 a night room with a hot tub, because that's what he wanted. Not to mention, we were in the tub maybe only 6 minutes. I spent $60 at a martini bar, $40 for late night pizza and drinks that we didn't even really eat. I even pitched in a couple dollars so he could buy a new hoodie. He wasn't really interested in going out, moreso interested in getting me in bed rather than me see a good time for my 21st weekend. Lunch the next day, he just kind of picked at and complained about the whole meal.

I wasn't exactly upset about the expenses at this point. It was my birthday weekend and I had saved up for it. It was fun, and I did get to spend time with him. In my mind, that alone was worth it.

So we get back from our mini trip and our conversations get even shorter. We're hardly talking at this point. He would mention coming to town to see me but would never come through. The night he said he was going to borrow his grandparent's vehicle to come see me, was coincidentally the night he fell asleep and didn't call me back until 4 a.m. It seems there was always something "more important" going on than talking to me on the phone. Yet, I still pulled for the few signs of hope that were left.

Superbowl Sunday was the last day I saw him. It seemed that me traveling to see him was a big inconvenience for him. After I got into town it took me 30 minutes for me to get ahold of him before I could come over. Then when I got there I spent most of the night watching him watch the Superbowl and read automobile forums. We didn't really talk, and even sex was poor. I felt that our connection was completely lost. I felt that same feeling of disrepair that I felt in the late stages of Leo and I's relationship. A feeling that I wanted him, but we had very little keeping us together.

I had a few unexpected bills come in the mail and I remember telling him that I was broke and didn't know what to do. I started asking him when he was going to get a job and get his car fixed and start contributing to the relationship a little more to alleviate the stress from me a bit. There was always an excuse for each and every action of his. We mentioned how we were going celebrate Valentine's. I mentioned that I could go see him early in the day, before I had to be at work. He then kind of made it clear that what he wanted was a late night escapade involving yet another hotel room at my expense. I kindly stated that I could not afford such an adventure. Yet, in my mind, I was screaming "Am I nothing more to you than your live sex doll?!"

The night I found the girl from Iowa with whom he was cheating (as discussed in a prior blog) was probably the last straw for us. I called, nearly in tears asking if he had indeed cheated on me. Of course he denied it, claiming to not know what I was talking about.

Only a couple days later, he decides to go to Amarillo with a friend and not tell me about it. This really just sends me over the edge. If I'm going to be your girlfriend, you tell me everything. You don't just go to another state and not tell your girlfriend. I call all night, trying to get ahold of him. When I finally do reach him he tells me, "I can't hear you, I'll call you when I get there." He gets there and I get a text: "I'm tired, can't talk." I try to get ahold of him the next day with failed attempts. I leave multiple voice mails, almost in tears: "I'm worried about you, is everything okay. Please call me back!" I send him an e-mail around mid afternoon, expressing my most sincere feelings, and why I was irritated that he left without telling me. In return I get a short message at around 11 p.m. "I've been hella busy. My phone was on the charger all day. I'll try to call tomorrow."

So I decide it be best that I do give him another chance. People make mistakes, we're just starting out, there's things to be worked on. I give him space, and see if he does indeed call me like he said he would. No call from him whatsoever. The next day I'm pretty much on pins and needles all day. I start ringing his phone at around 11 a.m. to try to find out what's going on. I call about every 30 minutes in attempt to get ahold of him. No answer, no call back. It is then that I decide I just can't take it anymore. I feel like I'm the only one doing work in the relationship. He obviously doesn't want to take any sort of amount of time for me. I decide it be best to give him one last ultimatum. I send him an e-mail. Enclosed it says this:

" If I don't hear back from you by the end of today I'm going to assume that we're over. You obviously can't devote the time to me that I desire and it is hurting me deep down when you don't answer my calls and return my messages. It really only takes a couple minutes to return a call, and it makes me feel sick deep down that you can't spare several minutes of your life for me. I am sorry I am this way but, I just can't take the pain it is bringing me any longer..."

And that was the end for us. There was no reply to the e-mail, no call, no attempt to try to contact me in any available form. No remorse it seemed.

I feel that I was used. It is obvious he used me for sex, but sadly I wanted that just as bad as he did. It is worse that he used me for my money. I find it odd, that when I start having financial difficulty, he scurries. When I deny him a Valentine's night escapade, he disappears. I had given more to that boy, in the short time that we were together, than I had given to anyone in my entire life. What do I have to show for it?? absolutely nothing... I've gotten more on first dates, than I did during the whole month that I was with Ian.

And I admit I can be a bitch. I'm a high maintenance girl, even demanding at times. Just ask Leo he'll tell you I'm sure. But I'll do anything for those I love. You give me your time of day, your respect, your honesty, your love and I'll give you all of me: my honesty, my love, my honor, my loyalty, and even my pocketbook. I'm just sick of people, they want me because they think that their life will be a free ride. Its not fair the least bit for me.

And I guess all it takes is one shitty boyfriend to appreciate all the good ones. Even after all the blackmail about Leo, he did do good to me. Everything was pretty much split down the middle. If I couldn't pay for a meal, he would and vice versa. I never gave a gift without receiving one in return. It is hard to keep up with me, especially on a hotel worker's salary, but he did the best he could. I respect that. On the other hand, not one ounce of me can respect Ian. He played me, all in the worst ways possible.

I honestly feel sorry for the next girl he preys upon. The boy is not meant for a real life relationship...